Guilt
by OhJay
Summary: Hoenheim's thoughts and feelings over his life. Oneshot, TrishaxHoenheim, T for death.


_**Guilt **_

1505, that's when it started. I was a young man back then, and was known as one of the greatest alchemists in Amestris. I don't remember how old I was at the time, but you loose track of time when you live for a few centuries. A plague hit that year, and many people were dead or dying. I was researching medical alchemy with my love Dante during that time.

Then one day she said two little words that changed everything: "I'm pregnant". I hadn't really thought about being a father much, but I agreed to help her raise our child. He was born healthy in 1513, and we named him William. Even though I was a father now, I still devoted to alchemy, and I eventually came across how to make a Philosopher's Stone.

It was cruel really, but Dante convinced me to try. So we sacrificed those who were dying of the plague, and criminals who were to be executed. It worked, but I paid the price. I don't remember exactly what happened, but when I woke up I was in someone elses body. Dante told me she used part of the stone to transfer my soul into the body of another man because I was dying. She said we have found eternal life, but I didn't think that was true.

Shortly before our son's eighteenth birthday he died of mercury poisoning. At first Dante was heartbroken, then she asked me to try and bring him back to life. I missed him too, so I did. I used all the materials of the average human, and a small part of the stone, but what came back wasn't human. I had turned him into something that wasn't human, I turned him into a monster. I don't know exactly why, but I left.

I left Dante part of the stone and some money so she could take care of herself, but that was it. For a few centuries I wandered around Amestris and Xing. I found that I was right about not being eternal life, the more I changed bodies the faster they rotted. Discovering this I only changed bodies when I absolutely needed to, sometimes I wondered why I bothered even living.

Then I met Trisha. She was beautiful, and more I got to know her the more I realized that I had truly fallen in love with her and not Dante. I told her what I had done, and that she shouldn't be loving me, but she said she didn't care. Eventually we married, and those two words came back to me once again: "I'm pregnant". Part of wanted another child so that I could have a family with Trisha, but part of me didn't want to after what I had done to William.

Nine months passed and we had a son. We named him Edward, and he looked a lot like me. Then another year later we had another son and named him Alphonse. I truly did love them, and I swore to myself that I would remain in the body I was in now no matter what. But then I started to rot, and I realized that I didn't want my children to see me like this, so I left again. I felt like I was running away from my own shame, but I searched for a way to reverse my body's condition so I could come back to them.

Years passed, and I never found a way. Seeing that I was going to rot to death anyway and that Edward and Alphonse would be old enough to understand now I returned to Risembool. I expected Trisha to welcome me back with tears of joy, but when I returned all I found out was bad news. She had died a few years ago, and my sons had repeated my mistake of trying to bring her back. As I stood in front of her grave I blamed myself for her death because I left, and I also blamed myself for the repeat of my mistake by my sons.

I decided to face Dante, but it ended up as a failure. She sent me inside the gate in pieces, but I managed to pull myself together and get out. Only I ended up on he other side of it, and soon found out that I was stranded with no way to get back to Amestris. Edward ended up on the other side with me, and even though I knew it would be impossible I wanted to get him back home to Alphonse.

It's funny really, every time I try and do something it ends badly. First I turned William into a monster, then I caused my wife to die of a broken hear and my sons to transmute her. Then it came around into a full circle. William had followed Edward through the gate to come after me, and he did. I knew this was the death of me, but I was glad. Glad to be free of my guilt, and glad that with my death I could send my son home to his brother, so I welcomed death.

_**Author's Notes**_

Man this was long. I hope you guys like it, and please review.


End file.
